How Life Gets All Its Lemons
by Darkmekmon
Summary: It all started with a simple question, about how life got its lemons. Poor Riku. In which Namine's a wee bit nutters, and life's a ferret.


So, I got a random idea when I saw a bumpersticker on facebook that said "I wonder where life gets all its lemons." It's...crackish. Not really a crackfic, but...er...yeah. Enjoy?

raaaaaaaaaawr

Riku stared out the window of the old mansion.

"Where does life get all its lemons from, do you think?" he mused aloud, one hand in his silver hair and the other on his hip. "You'd think it would run out of them all, with all these Heartless and Nobodies."

The blonde sitting quietly behind him looked up, blue eyes blinking in surprise. "Oh," she giggled. "That's easy." She grabbed his arm and started pulling him in a random direction.

Taken by surprise, Riku let himself be dragged a few yards before realizing that he had no idea where she was taking him. DiZ qould have a fit if he disappeared now, with Sora being so close to awakening.

"Er, Namine?" he asked. "Where are you taking me, exactly?"

She laughed softly. "To show you how life gets its lemons. Come on, it's only four more flights of stairs until we get to the basement." Riku was silent, not sure if he even wanted to understand.

Of course, he didn't blame her for going crazy. The only things in the basement were DiZ's extra computers and Roxas, and life surely wasn't getting its lemons to throw at people from old technology or a Nobody with an identity crisis. Right?

He found it a little creepy how often Namine giggled as they went from floor to floor. It reminded him of an anime she's made him watch one day, with a crazy psychopath with a metal pipe who went "Kolkolkolkol" and another guy who went around trying to seduce people. It was a wierd anime, to be sure.

Okay, now his legs were positively burning. Never again would he let that blonde girl drag him all the way from the top floor to the basement again. All poor Riku wanted to do was sit down, drink some lemonade or something. Relax, soothe those stupid legs that obviously weren't getting enough exercise.

But Namine was still pulling on his arm. With a sigh, he followed her to a bookshelf. He found himself a little disappointed when she picked a book out from it, but then the bookshelf disappeared, and he stared at the random Chocobo in front of them.

Giggling that infernal laugh, Namine managed to get Riku onto the overgrown chicken and herself sitting on his lap. "MUSH!" she yelled with glee, and the feathered fluff ball got going. Riku wondered how long this was going to take, as the bird manuvered from corridor to corridor.

Eventually, the thing shook them off in front of a wooden door. The stone walls seemed creepy, so Riku quickly grabbed the knob, turned, and pulled. And stared.

In the middle of the room, there was a pile of fruit. Lemons, limes...was that a pineapple? Next to it, sat a large wooden desk with a laptop perched on it. The figure sitting in front of the computer was some kind of long, fluffy rodent, and Riku felt ill. It was enough to have to deal with the quiet blonde driving him insane all the time, but a fluffy bird and a fluffy rodent? That was just too much.

"Look, Riku!" said blonde shrieked. "It's the ferret!" She ran over and preceeded to jump up and down next to it, squealing and doing an odd imitation of jumping jacks.

"Isn't that...a weasel?" he asked cautiously.

"No," it said with a sigh. "I am most certainly a ferret. My name is Life, though my brother, the Holy Ghost, calls me Bandit. He's a mongoose, by the way. It's how they deal with snakes up there."

The ferret ignored the stare it was recieving from Riku, and continued scrolling through a web page. It clicked a link, and Namine squealed even more obnoxiously. The rodent scanned the page, and inserted a hand through the screen. When the hand retracted, it was holding a lemon, which was promptly thrown onto the pile.

"Wh—wha..." Riku stared, uncomprehending. What the hell?

Namine ran over to him and pulled him over in time to see the next link clicked. It seemed to be something that was written, and the ferret repeated the process, pulling out a slightly larger lemon this time. Riku's mouth dropped open when he read what was on the screen. He blushed a fiery red, and swore that his eyes were screaming and begging to be torn out of his face.

"Was...was that what I think...?" he trailed off weakly.

Namine looked at him with a huge grin. "Yes! This is the best pairing to find lemons in, it's so popular! It's so easy and fun to write, I bet all the writers for this fandom write at least one!"

Riku looked from the computer, to Namine, and to the computer again.

There are people...writing this? He thought this with a queazy stomach.

"I don't know how this can get any worse," he mumbled under his breath.

The ferret wheeled around with its newest lemon, and threw it into Riku's forehead.

"What was that for?" he yelled.

"The chocobo left when you entered the room," it replied. "You're stuck here." It resumed scrolling down the page, and Riku stared at the rodent in horror.

He hoped that Sora never found out about the source of Life's lemons.

He knew he could never live it down if his friend found Kingdom Hearts Fanfiction.

raaaaaaaaaaaawr

Soooooo I needed a wee bit of a break from school, and I'm having...issues...with my characters from everything, so I wrote this oneshot.

I'M SO SORRY if you're reading this and waiting on an update for something else I've written. It probably won't come for a while, 'cause I'm stuck with lots of projects and writing.

*dodges a bullet and tomatoes* AHHHH I SAID I'M SORRY! .

Anyways, kudos to anyone who knows the anime I'm talking about...(hint: Ivan and Francis are mentioned ;D)

Darkmekmon


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